I am 50 pounds overweight. I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and, most likely, metabolic syndrome. I feel like a shell of my former self who is carrying around in excess nearly the weight of my five-year-old child on my body. I have been stuck in this rut for at least three years and I cannot take it anymore.
So, I am taking a stand. For myself. To fix myself. Because, after a very exhausting day trying to track down a doctor to see me, I came to a life-changing conclusion. No doctor can "fix" me. I don't need a guru, a diet, a lingo to get me where I need to be.
I NEED TO FIX ME.
It's in my hands. I choose what goes in my mouth. I choose to take naps instead of working out because I am just bogged down and don't have the energy to focus. I make choices every day.
Up until now, I have felt powerless against my disorder. My body fights me every step of the way. I have been foggy, lethargic, and barely recognizable to myself in the mirror. I feel like I literally swallowed the girl that once was and left a faded zombie in her place.
I have not once believed that I could conquer this demon that has ravaged my body and family. Until today.
I HAVE to believe. I HAVE to be confident that I can get this weight off, tighten up my eating habits, and exercise on a consistent basis. I need to do this for my family, who has been putting up with a tainted version of me for far too long. More importantly, I need to do this for myself. I want better.
The magnitude of the goal of losing 50 pounds has been all I have been focusing on. Who wouldn't feel defeated at the mere thought of having to lose that much weight? That's like half a person. Ugh.
So, I have decided to begin my journey back to health tomorrow. I will not focus on the 50 pounds I need to shed. I will not focus on regaining my period, which disappeared nearly a year ago. I will not focus on being "skinny" for the summer season. Frankly, all of that is too much to bear.
I will focus on small victories. Changing bad habits to good habits. Changing my heart from damaged to renewed. Changing my body from weak to strong. Getting back to the me that is inspired, loving, and true. To be successful, I will focus on this
one
day
at
a
time.
