You know why it's hard? Because I'm a spoiled, selfish brat. That's why. I want what I want when I want it. I'm like a grown-up Veruca Salt who's definitely gotten too big for her knickers.
"I want a golden goose, Daddy. I want a goose to lay gold eggs for Easter. I want a golden goose now, Daddy."
I want to eat what I want when I feel like it, exercise when it's convenient, and still have a healthy body. What's that you say? It doesn't work that way? Well, I guess it doesn't.
Turns out this journey is going to be about SO much more than weight loss and PCOS symptom reduction. Looks like I'm facing a complete personal overhaul here. Aye aye aye!
Side note: If you haven't noticed yet, I pepper any hint of seriousness with humor. That's just how I roll. It gets me through life. I'm an "emotionally fragile" being, so I fall back hard on humor to keep me from crumbling into a gazillion tiny pieces at any given time of day when subjected to the right triggers.
Anyhow, as I'm thinking through the day and contemplating my choices, I have noticed that there is so much more to this journey than "What will I eat?" and "When will I work out?". I have to change my habits here. I have to change my life.
To create lasting change, I have to dig deep into my soul and search out my motivations or lack thereof in my daily life.
In short, I'm a mess. Frazzled, tardy, overwhelmed, lazy, self-deprecating, self-sabotaging Mommy Dearest. There's a reason we own no wire hangers, people. Total joke. Seriously. Don't call CPS.
I think this is good. I'm realizing there needs to be restorative change, from the inside out. I used to be a highly motivated person: driven, focused and goal-oriented. If I had a goal, you bet your sweet behind I would achieve it and then some. Somewhere along the course, I lost that fight. My firecracker fuse went out. I told my husband recently that I don't know how I became a person who literally feels like my goals are too big and my will is infinitely smaller. I simply quit believing in myself.
Feeling defeated is an awful emotion, isn't it? I think it's terribly dangerous. You run the risk of dying while you live. Floating through life just waiting to be put in the ground. Tremendously dark and sad.
I'm not sure how just yet, but I have got to find that drive and focus, the ambition I used to harness my dreams with and make them a reality. This realization is the first step. The next step is to quiet the peripheral noise of the world and life and to create a list of goals covering what I want for my life and the kind of person I want to be.
It's time to switch gears from passive to active. It's time to get back in the race.
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